Two Muslims leave Pakistan for England. Once in England they agree to meet two years later to see who's become the most English. Two years pass and they meet as agreed. The first one says "I’m so English I got a Beckham shirt, went to Portugal to support England, I drink beer, I have a bulldog, I fish and play golf at my country club.... how English have you become?” The second one replies "Fuck off you Paki".

Three prostitutes are walking down the street and they're all feeling horny. They pass a zoo and one of them says, "I dare you both to sneak in the zoo and screw an elephant."
Feeling a bit daring, they agree - as long as the first does too.
So the first one goes in while the other two wait outside. After a few minutes of silence they hear a lot of groaning and orgasmic screams.
After a while, the prostitute returns with a cigar in her mouth and a whacking great smile.
"WOW, that was great" she says.
So the second one goes in and after a few minutes they hear even louder groaning and louder screams of pleasure.
She returns with a cigar in her mouth and a bottle of whiskey in her hand and a whacking great smile.
"Wow, unbelievable!" she says.
So the third prostitute goes in and after about 15 minutes of silence they start to get worried. Then all of a sudden they hear terrifying screams as if she was being murdered.
A few minutes later she returns, barely able to walk, with no cigar or whiskey and a very blank look on her face.
One of the other prostitutes says, "Well what the hell happened, it sounded like you were being killed or something!"
"Well as there was only one elephant and both of you had already screwed him, he was too knackered to fuck me, so he fingered me instead".

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
”Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
”I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
”You lying b* stard!
You’ve been playing golf!”

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
”I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
”I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
”My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?!?!”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
”Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
”Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”
”What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
”Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
”Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
”Certainly, Sir, that’ll be 1p.”
”1p?” the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
”10p” the barman replied.
”10p?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, ”The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
”There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
”No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
”I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!”
Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.”
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!”
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me, young man?”
Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.” The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, “Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?”
The Pope replies,”Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.” The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!”
The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues, “Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”
To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.”
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!”
The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”
To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?”
The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colours, and the others start laughing, and yelling, “Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!”